2025
For seven years I have done an annual compilation of some of my favorite moments backed with a track that was released during the respective year. This tradition of mine was self-motivated as I began to release them in its early stages, but as time has passed, it has become something larger than myself. A way to connect with the people I have grown to love and show them how I see our lives and memories through my point of view. Each year I spend hours uploading videos onto a laptop with no storage, forcing me to clear out the previous memories to make room for the new.
These videos have always been about the people in my life, whether I knew that 7 years ago or not. A love letter to those who have shown me what love looks like. This is in the moments of laughter with their best friends, dancing on the streets, sharing a kiss with their person. I see the little things and try to capture it as close as to what it feels like to be witnessing it. All my friends and family have been my muses, guiding the way to the greater meaning of our lives and what we are all looking for.
When it came to 2025, this was one of my most challenging years, personally, I would not go as far to say transformative, as I still feel like this version of me is still in the works. To speed run the events of the year I have listed them in some particular order: I became a bartender, started this blog, went to my first wedding in my 20s, got my first “big girl” job, quit Hooters, turned 23, graduated with my MBA, my sister moved to Alabama, my roommate / close friend moved out, another moving in, left a long term relationship, got an even bigger job in L.A., went to my first concert alone, moved out of my favorite apartment in my favorite place, and in between went to many concerts, sports games, and girls’ nights out.
Overall, I felt like my whole world flipped upside down and turned inside out; I know I will only grow more grateful for these changes. I used to claim to be good at change, but this year I was stumped. Figuring out a new me, what she likes, what she did not. I feel like I have always had a strong grip of my self identity, but I realized many of the things I clung to as a part of me were no longer there. An odd feeling….
With every door closed three more opened. Learning to walk away when you know you should is walking into grief; mourning the person you once were, the life you once lived, and the places that felt like home. Tearing it all down to build something up that serves a greater purpose and removes you from the stagnancy of wanting things to stay the same.
I am not joyful to say goodbye to 2025 but I am relieved that I do not have to do it all again, though I think I would if given the choice. 2025 taught me to let things go, to know when to go home, walk away, or say no. I learned these things because I did not do them all the time. And I felt the consequences.
Without the growing pains of this last year I would have learned nothing. And knowing me, I always have to learn the hard way. I prefer this method because it has taught me more than if I were to get everything right the first time by accident. I'm glad I did not do it perfectly, I am glad that I can recognize that, and I am glad that every time I stumbled it shined a light onto the good in my life that will always remain despite a change of scenery, job, haircut, or home. I still have my people and I still have me.
Deciding the song for this year was a difficult task as I had many in mind, all I felt would have been great, but would have all made this year's video entirely different. I could not decide which song would perfectly wrap up all I had felt and experienced; I put great thought into it as I was trimming down clips and removing original audio. I asked for a sign or something that would tell me which one had to be the one since in past years there was never really debate. When I went back to the first clip uploaded, I turned the volume back up from its muted state and heard myself and two friends singing Sue Me by Audrey Hobert in the back seat going home from a night out. That was my sign.
Who’s the Clown? an album by Audrey Hobert was my guiding light throughout this year, accompanied by some of my favorite visuals to date. Her writing seemed to reflect my internal monologue as I was navigating change and adapting to who this new version of me was and who I wanted her to be. It allowed me to be comfortable being awkward, confused, confident, and unapologetically myself. This album was for the odd girls that take chances on themselves when nothing else seems to be working. So sue me ! I know what I want for myself, I know who I am and if that ruffles feathers I do not mind and I never really have, that's some of my best work.
In honor of those songs which were almost chosen, I have listed my top 5 below along with some lyrics that stuck to me and defined moments or eras for this past year:
“Sue Me” - Audrey Hobert “Not that it matters but I’m breaking patterns and getting so good at pilates”
“Silver Jubilee” - Audrey Hobert “I wanna make it but it’s fun to be a normal girl”
“I’ve seen it” - Oliva Dean “And it makes me cry to think that I am able to give it back the way it gives to me”
“Nettles” - Ethel Cain “Gardenias on the tile where it makes no difference who held back from who”
“15 Minutes” - Sabrina Carpenter “When my time’s up baby I’ll leak some pictures maybe, say something batshit crazy”
Each of these songs swirled through my head throughout my process of making this video but as I realized that Sue Me had to be the song. I have played the music video countless times, watching a star dance only my screen, the way I do in my room alone, embracing the messy nature of emotions of going back and forth of what I want and what is good for me. Saying goodbye to being a “saint” and living a life that is true to myself.
I had been choosing to wear my avoidance to it all as a badge of honor, as if it's proof or a scar from being naive before and swearing to never be naive again. I tried to turn against my typical heart on my sleeve nature and it never felt right. I feel so much all the time and I wear that better than pretending I don't. Learning to embrace this side of myself again was not easy and I did not do it alone. I wanted this year's video to reflect the feeling of being free, loving and being loved, and feeling accomplished even if it was not textbook, cookie cutter achievements. This video is some of my happiest work.
Happy New Year to you all and a big thank you to everyone featured in this video and an even bigger thank you to those who were not. I would not be me without the things I have learned through the people I have known, places I have been, and all that I felt. I am grateful to be starting 2026 with a clean slate.
More to come laterrrr
